May 29, 2012
On my way
Well, I’m in Europe en route to India. Part of me didn’t think I’d make it here. The last semester was rough and there was a very real chance that I would have to stay behind this summer and take immunology all over again. Some days that threat motivated me to study hard, and other days I just wanted to give up. I knew that if God wanted me in India this summer, He would take me. I felt that He had given me the desire to spend the summer in India. I knew that the opportunity had come from Him, as I watched details fall into place one after the next. But some days I wondered if He would take that opportunity away. I tried to hold it with an open hand, but I was afraid. I thought, “would God tease me like that? Would He let one exam score snuff out all the dreams I had for the summer? I know He’s not a mean God, that He truly wants what is best for me… but what if that’s not India?” I doubted my own intentions and whether or not He had called me to India at all. “Am I somehow idolizing India? Am I following You, Lord, or making my own way?”
So I didn’t allow myself to hope in plans for India. I didn’t doubt God’s ability to bring me, nor His goodness, but thought He might show me that I was heading in the wrong direction. That was a frightening thought. I was stuck there, confused and anxious, heading into finals week. I did my best to place my hope in God alone and move forward, not be paralyzed by my fear.
Though it was a final exam, there was a lot more riding on it than a course grade or summer plans. If I had failed, many more questions that I was afraid to ask would have arisen. God knew my fears and all of my self-doubt. He encouraged me throughout those difficult weeks with words and prayers from many of you. Thank you for being His instrument in my life! You’ll be glad to know that I passed the exam. In fact, it was my highest score on an exam all year! How’s that for reassurance? God is so patient with me. I picture Him with a soft smile, shaking His head at my anxieties – not dismissing them, but knowing better. He is steadily working in my heart to remind me that I can trust Him and His Spirit within me.
Praise God with me, if you will, for His mercies in bringing me here. I’m trusting that He will help me handle the unpleasant temperature, long train ride, and other challenges that are before me.
I hope to write again soon!
April 8, 2012
I was baptized today.
I’ve even been to seminary.
I was a people-pleaser: always following the rules and exceeding expectations,
especially when the people in charge were watching.
However, as a teenager, I began to focus on love.
Where I found it (or thought I had found it),
I had to break the rules to get it, and I did,
because emotions made them seem less important.
So I turned away from God to pursue other things.
I can express now what I had no concept of then:
that I was seeking fulfillment, a sense of purpose and joy,
that could only come through Jesus.
I was looking in all the wrong places.
as He has often done since.
I had started college, a new phase of life, and I knew I had to make a decision:
give Christ my unadulterated devotion, or stop pretending.
By God’s grace, I chose the former.
I stopped striving after perfect grades and the mere appearance of holiness.
I focused on Christ as I never had before,
and He showed me what it meant to be in a relationship with Him.
It is so much more than simply following the rules.
I now strive to keep God’s law not to earn His favor
I understand that beyond obedience,
He wants my adoration and devotion.
but gradually He is transforming my heart to look more like His.
He gave me a voice, but I must choose to use it.
As I learn to open my lips, He will speak through me.
I will not be silent anymore.
The world needs to hear about God’s incredible love and mercy
as they were in embodied in Jesus Christ.
With His help, I will spend the rest of my life sharing this good news.
July 3, 2010
Home
I know I’m overdue in saying, “I’m home.” It’s been three weeks now. Sometimes I don’t know what I should feel or think, so I try to avoid it all together. I could start missing India too much. Or get entirely too comfortable here. This is my effort of intentional reflection. Answering questions from others forces me to mentally process things, so feel free to ask whatever you like.
I’d say the biggest thing I’ve learned in the last three weeks is an appreciation for America. I’ve never been especially patriotic. When I came back here from the Philippines, I was disgusted by all of the wealth and waste of this country. I definitely began to focus on the bad things and ignore the good. I felt guilty for being here, for having a higher standard of living than so many millions of people. I wanted nothing to do with their associations with America. The media paints an exaggerated picture of a culture domineered by lust and greed, and yet, it is somehow also heavenly and some people will do almost anything to get here. In contrast, I wanted to get as far away from here as I could… perhaps live in that dump slum in Manila, or anywhere else where I could live simply, modestly and without guilt. I thought that I would reflect Christ by living so humbly and sacrificially. But I realized there was a lot of pride behind those thoughts. I thought I was better than everyone else who wasn’t willing to give up so much, when in fact, I didn’t know if God was calling me to such a sacrifice or I was simply interested in pleasing myself.
While I still desire to live simply and would gladly choose very humble circumstances, my thinking has changed. I realized that God placed me here in America and I was counting that blessing as a curse. Comfort of living aside, here I have opportunities that millions yearn for. I know now that I am to take advantage of my place in America. I can earn a degree here that would be honored in any country around the world and open doors that are otherwise closed and bolted. Even if I don’t have the privilege to serve overseas myself, my earning capacity here could fund Kingdom work all over the world. Each part of the Body has a different role to play, and God will use us as He designed us to serve Him. I think I am designed to live cross-culturally, and am waiting to see how God affirms or amends that thought in the next few years.
Two things I know for certain: God meant for me to be in India for five months and He means for me to be in America now. I find comfort in that but must be patient as He reveals the bigger plan day by day. I am applying to medical school… still seeking wisdom to know where. I am looking for a job… waiting on God for a great one but I can’t wait much longer. I am wondering if I will be able to keep taking classes at Moody, whether I’m headed north, south, east or west a year from now, and how God intends to use this heart which He touched with so many things overseas, if only it will endeavor to love Him more and more.
This has been quite a journey and I know it is just the beginning. I don’t know how many of you have been following along, but I have no doubt that your prayers made a difference. Thank you for your love and encouraging support. I hope you have been touched, as I have, with what God had to show me in India, and are excited, as I am, to see where He takes me next.
———
“Those who have apostolic passion are planning to go, but willing to stay. You know you have it when you are deeply disappointed that God has not called you to leave your home and get out among those who have never heard His name … Present your gifts, vocations and talents to the Lord. Press into God. Stay there until you long to go out in His name. Remain there and nurture the longing to see the earth bathed with His praise. Only then will you be able to trust your heart if you hear God say, “stay.” Only those who long to broadcast His glory to the nations have the right to stay.”
-Floyd McClung
June 23, 2010
Personal Statement
“Use the space provided to explain why you want to go to medical school.”
They make it sound so simple, but it’s really not…
I am sitting in the hostel of a little hospital that is geographically almost as far away from home as I could get. There is a lizard crawling along the opposite wall, and the clothes that I hand-washed this afternoon are drying on the line that I’ve strung up in the most horizontal fashion possible. I’m on antibiotics to fight off the foreign bacteria that are waging war in my digestive tract. And I’m considering a question that has increasingly been on my mind – “Am I sure I want to be a doctor?”
I came to India in order to understand what it means to be a doctor in a developing country. I don’t always like what I see. I barely know what a normal chest x-ray looks like, because most of the ones I’ve seen are speckled with signs of tuberculosis. Last week, I was in the emergency room when a man came in whose foot had been severed in a tractor accident. I observed the vaginal hysterectomy of a woman several days after removing maggots from her severely prolapsed uterus. Too many times, I’ve seen mothers refuse to look upon their newborn daughters because they were hoping for a boy.
I cannot deny the emotional and physical stress that would be an inevitable part of my life if I continue down this path. Work in a mission hospital here is not glamorous or leisurely. Physicians work every day and are always on-call because the hospitals are short-staffed. The hospitals are short-staffed because the salary is US $6000 per year. The salary is so low because the people most in need of healthcare have no money to pay for it. The hospital buildings are shabby, and the equipment out-dated. I’ve stood in surgery with sweat pouring down my back, seen gloves hanging outside on the line that will be autoclaved and reused, and watched doctors collect the blood that filled a patient’s abdominal cavity so it could be injected into an IV bag.
Because and in spite of all the things I have seen in India, I have concluded that I do want to become a doctor. The work is hard, and the conditions are far from ideal, but if I know that I am serving such an important purpose, I will be content. Here there is desperate need and limited resources, but ample opportunity. Preventable diseases are widespread, and lifestyle diseases are on the rise. People need treatment and medication, but also education and nutrition. And as a Christian, I believe that they ultimately need salvation through Christ, so I hope to one day serve all of these needs as a missionary physician.
I realize that the medical profession is not the only one in which I could serve such needs in a developing country. However, I feel that it is the one that best utilizes the gifts of curiosity and compassion that I have been given. I know that the intellectual challenge and environment of perpetual learning will keep me engaged, and that the opportunity to interact meaningfully with individuals will keep me motivated. But when I am exhausted, frustrated, overwhelmed, and dismayed as I most certainly will be at times, I know that God will grant me strength to continue, because my aim is to serve Him above all.
June 2, 2010
Another reflection
Inevitably in the ten steps between the gate and the curb on this busy street in central Kolkata, there will be people on the sidewalk to greet you. A naked little boy will run up and open the door of your taxi for you. A woman in tattered clothes holding a baby that is covered in sticky mango pulp and dirt will look at you pathetically and say, “Auntie. Food. Baby.” Westerners come in and out of this Christian guesthouse everyday and I suppose each one must decide how to respond. I decided to get to know them, so here is their story:
It turns out that everyone who lives outside the gate is related. There are three women (a mother and two daughters) and five children. The two oldest are sons of Gaitly, the mother, by her second husband. Joweta has two girls by a man to whom she is not married. Asha has one daughter and is pregnant. Her husband, Riko, lives here, but the other men in the family are absent.
I stopped to talk with them one day when I realized that Asha was pregnant. She left her daughter, Maria, sleeping on the sidewalk and we went down the street to buy some mutton biryani and tins of infant formula. She said she had been to the doctor, and showed me the paperwork from the government hospital. It seemed like some tests had been done, but they didn’t have money to pay for an ultrasound (Rs. 700 / US $15). The next day, she and Riko were going to get her blood drawn for testing, so I came along and took them to get an ultrasound, which revealed two healthy, 25-week old fetuses in her womb. They were pleased about the due date, giving them more time than they thought they had, but not about the twins. One more baby would be hard enough; how would they provide for two?
Riko sells balloons for a living. On a good day, he can make Rs. 200 (US $4), but most days, he makes less than Rs. 100 (US $2). He told me that he has a house in a village 20km outside Kolkata, but owes 12 months’ back-rent, so the landlord has locked it and confiscated the possessions. He is hoping to save the capital to get back into the house and restart his fruit-selling business. Time is running out before the rainy season begins and he wants to get his family off the street before the babies are born.
As I sit on a piece of cardboard in their claimed section of the sidewalk with Maria in my lap, listening to this story, I know that I have enough money in my wallet to pay a whole year’s rent (Rs. 6000 / US $125) and put this family back into their house. I wonder if I should believe them, but I think I must – they offered to take me to the village to see the house and pay the landlord myself. I asked someone who works at the guesthouse and she was skeptical of the story, but it didn’t seem like she gave them a chance… just because someone is living on the sidewalk doesn’t mean that everything they say is a lie.
I am burdened for the needs of this family, but also worried that I am being deceived, and wondering how to make sure God is being glorified through my actions. It is emotionally and mentally exhausting to get involved with needy people like this… no wonder so many millions of fellow humans, including Christians, simply ignore them. We avoid them like we avoid the stray dogs and filth on the sidewalk, by passing by on the other side.
I don’t know if I should give them the rent money. I have only a few Christian contacts in this city, but I will connect them to this family if they are willing. Hopefully someone being involved in their lives on a long-term basis will bring some more clarity and accountability to the situation. I will encourage them to go to church more regularly and pray that God will provide someone to help get them on their feet and make sure that they know Him.
I don’t know what this family thinks of me – that I’m kind, strange, or naïve – but I hope I have made an impact on them and perhaps even on the people that watched me interact with them.
[Till now I didn’t think there was anything I could do to attract more stares.]
Instead of handing them snacks or leftovers from the restaurant, I sat down for meals with them, learning how and what they eat.
Instead of giving the children toys, I played clapping and tickling games with them, held them and laughed with them, without worrying about getting dirty, and just praying that I wouldn’t contract lice or anything else….
Instead of simply buying clothes for them, I took them shopping, because I wanted to show that I trust and respect them, and consider them my equals and not my inferiors.
Maybe I should have spoken more, but I definitely listened. Undoubtedly other people have told them about Jesus, but I hope they have seen Jesus in me.
Asha with her two young brothers and daughter, Maria
Pictures from Kolkata
Kids at the Howrah train station program
Kalighat neighborhood Kids Club
Fun at the water park
You see many people sleeping on the sidewalks here.
May 22, 2010
A quick note…
Sorry to have left this blog on a sad note for so long… I am a lot happier now 
Don’t have a lot of time to write. I am sitting in an internet cafe in Kolkata across the alley from the place where Mother Teresa lived. I have spent the week hanging out with kids and a group that came from Canada, including my cousin. Nice to spend some time with my ”brother” here… it has been far too long since we saw each other in North America! [There is no distinction between sibling and cousin in the language here and all the kids were calling us brother and sister.]
In the mornings we went to the Howrah train station, where there a lot of kids living on the tracks. Many of them are orphans and survive by stealing from train passengers. And many of them are high when they come to the children’s program in the morning, so they are passed out in the back of the room. It is cheaper to buy glue than food and the older ones give it to the younger ones. The staff members there feed the kids breakfast and lunch and all morning, they are happy to sit inside with a fan, sing songs, listen to Bible stories, do crafts and watch cartoons. The organization is working on adopting the orphans, so that they can take them to a Children’s Home that is ready to be opened. Pray that the paperwork goes through soon!
In the afternoons, there was another children’s program in Kalighat, a red-light district. The kids are so affectionate and eager for physical touch. I enjoyed seeing the little ones, that still had some of their innocence left. I can only imagine what some of them have gone through. The documentary, “Born into the Brothels” was filmed in the same district of Kolkata. It’s not a Christian production, but it is neat to see some of the same places and hear those kids’ stories. Yesterday to conclude the program, we took all 30 kids to a water and amusement park. I am glad they had such a good time, because it was exhausting and stressful for us! Thank God we didn’t lose any of them, and that everyone was safe. The rides were rickety but I would have enjoyed the significantly increased risk of death a lot more if I didn’t have to worry about the kids. Also, apparently there are men who make a living by wandering around this park and stealing, and enjoy watching and taking advantage of girls at the water park. But we were protected from all of this and had a great time
I’ll becoming home in less than a month now! I’ll be meeting with another groups of Westerners and go to see Varanasi (Holy City for Hindus) and the Taj Mahal. I suppose spending time with these groups will ease the adjustment back into Western culture, since I have spent the last four months immersed in Indian culture. I’m still working through it mentally, but I can appreciate how much God has taught me and how easy He made it for me to adapt to the people around me. I’m just praying that it’s not too hard to adjust back to “my own” culture….
Hope to post some more pictures soon!
May 3, 2010
I am writing while on the train from Dehradun to Delhi, leaving the hospital where I stayed for four weeks. I asked for prayer a couple of weeks ago that I would get to know people… well, I made such wonderful friends that I didn’t want to leave. My time in the medical setting is finished now, and I will miss it. I wish I were a doctor already so I could just stay. Having become so attached to a place I must leave hurts, but I am thankful for the affirmation that I could be so contented, challenged, and used by God as a doctor in India. I no longer have any doubts that I want to become a doctor, only increasing dread at how long it will take. I have been given plenty of passion for getting through medical school… now I need patience.
But as my vision of a lifetime serving in India becomes clearer, I miss home more and more. This is the longest I’ve been away from my family and it’s hard to think about forever being torn between two places and having people I love in opposite corners of the globe. So I’m feeling quite sad right now… if I weren’t surrounded by strangers, I would probably cry. This is a good time to make a list of things to be thankful for:
-Having watched the sun rise and set today behind the silhouette of tree-covered hills.
-Having completed drafting my essays for my medical school applications.
-Being around people that make me laugh.
-Having full use of all four of my limbs and organ systems that function properly.
-Medical knowledge and technology and the people who make them available to even the poorest, most uneducated and geographically isolated populations.
-Knowing that Jesus has saved me and that I have heaven to look forward to.
-The freedom to pray knowing that God hears and answers prayers even in times like these when I am without words to articulate what I am feeling and thinking.
Hear, O Lord, and answer me
For I am poor and needy.
Guard my life, for I am devoted to You.
You are my God; save Your servant who trusts in You.
Listen to my cries for mercy
For I call to You all day long.
Bring joy to Your servant,
For to You, O Lord, I lift up my soul.
You are forgiving and good, O Lord,
Abounding in love to all who call to You.
Hear my prayer, O Lord;
Listen to my cry for mercy.
In the day of my trouble I will call to You
For You will answer me.
Among the gods there is none like You, O Lord;
No deeds can compare with Yours.
All the nations You have made will come and worship before You, O Lord;
They will bring glory to Your name
For You are great and do marvelous deeds;
You alone are God.
Teach me Your way, O Lord,
And I will walk in Your truth;
Give me an undivided heart,
That I may fear Your name.
I will praise You, O Lord my God, with all my heart;
I will glorify Your name forever.
For great is Your love toward me;
You have delivered me from the depths of the grave.
The arrogant are attacking me, O God;
A band of ruthless men seeks my life –
Men without regard for You.
But You, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God,
Slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.
Turn to me and have mercy on me;
Grant Your strength to your servant
And save the son of Your maidservant.
Give me a sign of Your goodness,
That my enemies may see it and be put to shame,
For You, O Lord, have helped me and comforted me.
-Psalm 86
Typing this twenty-four hours later, I am not as distraught as I was, but I still appreciate your prayers.
April 25, 2010
Give me an undivided heart
Many people with whom I share my story and desire to serve as a medical missionary are impressed with my strong focus from such a young age. I am still surprised by these comments because I know that the majority of my life has been characterized by a lack of vision for the future. I never had career aspirations as a child and have only recently decided – at least, I am convinced of it most of the time – that I do want to be a doctor. I must give people this impression of a strong, single-minded girl that is resolved to serve God with her whole life and self. But they don’t see all the questions in my heart.
I love India, I love what I have seen of the opportunities for medical missions, and would love to be a part of it. I know that this joy and passion is coming from God, and I am grateful that He is giving me this vision for how I could serve Him with my life in the future. While it is true that I can see myself living in a hut in the jungle, getting calls in the middle of the night to attend to a woman in labor, I cannot say that this dream will most-definitely be fulfilled, for several reasons.
First, from a practical standpoint, I have at least another seven years before I will be a licensed physician, and who knows how much longer it would take to move onto the field. Second, though I seem very brave and independent to come to India all by myself, I know in my heart that I could not live here as a single woman. I couldn’t make it my profession to bring babies into the world without having any of my own. I am not strong enough to resist that part of my human nature. Though I realize that I could be that much more of a versatile tool in the hands of God without a husband and children to care for, I am really hoping that this is not how He desires to use me. I trust and pray that if God has placed this vision in my heart, then He will supply a husband with the same vision. For I believe that He has made me as I am, with a desire and disposition to be a wife and a mother, and I hope I am not being disobedient or selfish to think of it as a requirement for serving God on the mission field.
The third reason is not so honorable as the first two. I know how easily I am entangled and distracted. I know the temptations that are my constant struggle. And I am not always convinced that in my weakness I will be able to overcome them. I think God has presented me with such a long, hard path of equipping for His service so that I can learn that when I am weak, then I am strong – that Christ works through weakness. But I cannot yet say that I delight in it. I wish I were as strong as people seem to think I am. I wish I didn’t have a heart that wavers, and that I didn’t worry that I will fail to become the person God wants me to be.
So I’m asking God to give me an undivided heart, to help me pick up my cross and follow Him. I need His strength, His wisdom, and His mercy to make it down this path that he is laying before me.
Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not pick up his cross and follow me is not worthy of me.
-Matthew 10:37-38
Endure hardship with us like a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No one serving as a soldier gets involved in civilian affairs – he wants to please his commanding officer.
-2 Timothy 2:3-4
Those who marry will face many troubles in this life … An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of the world – how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord … Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him.
-1 Corinthians 7:28,34-35,17
Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
-Hebrews 12:1
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
-2 Corinthians 12:9-10
April 15, 2010
Twelve weeks down, eight to go…
It seems like just the other day, I had been here for two months, and now it has been three. I think moving from place to place makes the time go by more quickly. I am currently at the Herbertpur Christian Hospital in Dehradun, Uttarakhand. It is north of Delhi, with Nepal to the east and Pakistan to the west. I’m not currently in the hills, but I am surrounded by them. The climate is comfortable here – probably still reaches 90 degrees, but you see many people bundled up in shawls and sweaters. There are many deciduous forests whose trees have shed their leaves, but I’m told everything will be green as soon as the rain comes in June. There are fewer stray dogs and roaming cows here, but there are a lot of monkeys.
These have been my observations of North India so far, though I haven’t ventured out much from this fairly busy, 100-bedded, short-staffed mission hospital. I am enjoying being immersed in a single language, Hindi. In the South, it was very difficult to learn because I never heard it spoken. Those states have their own languages. There many languages in the North, also, but most people also know Hindi. So I do a lot of listening. I can follow along with the Hindi song lyrics at morning devotion, but not quickly enough to sing along yet. I can pick up on most of the basic questions the physicians ask, so my vocabulary is mostly medical words like, pain, fever, cough, headache, throat, chest, etc. Everyone talks very fast!
This week, I’ve been reminded of all the things that need to happen when I come home in mid-June. I can’t say I’m really looking forward to all of the work ahead of me this summer. I’ve begun working on my applications to medical school, and trying not to stress too much over them. I still don’t have the schools picked out yet. Most people apply to at least 12, but I’m determined to apply to no more than 4 to save myself a lot of time, burden and expense.
It seems I’ve reached a point where everything about living in India seems normal… I hardly know what to write about! I bought Mango-flavored Corn Flakes the other day. They are actually pretty good. One of the ladies here asked me to teach her how to bake something. Many homes have toaster ovens that are the size of a large microwave, but baking is still a novelty here. Lacking the pans, measuring cups and ingredients that I am accustomed to, it will be interesting to see how it turns out!
All in all, I am doing well. There is plenty to keep me busy and I am enjoying having the hospital schedule to add structure to my day. What I miss the most here is staying in a home and spending time with people that are willing to adopt me into their families. So, as I stay here for the next two weeks, my prayer request would be that I would make efficient use of the time I have to myself, but also become more intentional about forming relationships and spending time with the other people here.
